What Hurts the Most
by malteselover
Summary: A one shot. As he lies dying Snape reflects, and realizes what he must do. If only he can get past the fact that what he must do envolves the boy who is the living memory of everything he loved and all he despised.


Burning, pain, and heaviness were all I felt. It was as though my head had fallen straight into a fire, and it would take its sweet time to fully burn me. It hurt to move, it hurt to breath, and it hurt to think. My lungs moved up and down with increasing difficulty, each breath becoming intensely more labored. But that is not what hurt the most.

I had failed. I had failed Dumbledore's orders. I had not kept the school safe from general harm, and worst of all, I had failed to protect Lily's last imprint on this Earth. This last thought just made the pain more intense, and despite it all, grief and heartache came. It was the same feeling I had felt that Halloween night so long ago. That sense that I had failed in keeping safe what I held most dear. It had all been for nothing.

The boy would not know. He would not know the truth, any of the truth. He would continue to live in blissful arrogance until he died. Just like his father. His last thoughts, which would come only too soon, would be lies. He would never understand. He would not know what Lily and I shared. Never. No one would know. The profound love that was too complex for that shallow brained boy to understand would die with me. And no one would know at what lengths I had gone to keep a both loved and despised memory alive. I would be remembered as a coward, the only thing I was not.

I was not a coward; I knew that. After what I had done, all I had sacrificed. The countless times I risked myself. The double identity I constantly held. The times I sat so close to the man who had taken the last happy thing out of my life. I was not a coward.

But bravery was nothing now. It would do no good. Bravery wouldn't stop the venom, which had seemed to fill my body with lead. Bravery wasn't going to stop The Dark Lord from killing every single person in that school. And bravery wasn't going to get the boy the information he so needed to know.

So this was the end. I had never pictured it like this; Alone, in the Shrieking Shack, left to die with nothing but my own thoughts. It was torture beyond anything I had ever experienced in my life. It was the end.

What had I done wrong? Well, I had done a lot wrong. I had given the information to The Dark Lord sixteen years ago. I might as well have given him the word to kill the Potters…to kill Lily. He had acted on the information I had given him. I had let him do it. I had let him kill Lily, and in the process allowed him to latch the boy to a worse fate than speedy, unknown death. It was my fault, every last bit of it. 

All of a sudden, I could feel the rumble of what had to be footsteps, pounding the creaky wooden floor where I lay wasting away. I did not know who to expect, because who else, other than The Dark Lord, knew I was here? However, the face I saw was the last I expected to see.

It was the boy. Bent on his knees, he looked at me, a mix of pity and dislike. It was exactly how I felt for him at this moment. But while he sat, dumbfounded, I at once knew what must be done. All was not lost. There was still hope. The secrets I had kept from precious Potter's ears for so long would not disappear with me. He needed to know.

With every effort I could muster, I lifted my hand to grab the front of his robes. Pulling him closer, I formed the words I needed to say with great difficulty.

"Take it…take it…"

Then, I let the memories flow. All that he needed to know came out of me from all sides. It was not a matter of calling forth the memories, as it usually is. All of the memories were there. I just had to let them go. I had to allow him to see what I held back for so long. Love, loss, longing, and the origin of the lies I had tangled myself into.

It was intense relief, freeing the memories from my head. I felt lighter, despite the leaden poison, and free, despite the fact I was trapped in this dreaded place. Blinded by the memories coming forth from even my eyes, I saw nothing but bright, white light, and knew that the end was almost here.

It was some time before I had run out of memory to give. As much as I couldn't believe that I entrusted such private information with the boy, I knew I had to do it. I had promised Dumbledore…for Lily.

The boy was still kneeling, now holding the vile that contained everything. My past was now in his hands. It was in the hands of the boy who looked so much like his father, who I despised more than anything. The father who made my younger years hell and my later years empty, taking away the one person I wanted more than anything. I despised the boy, because despite what Dumbledore said, Potter was his father's son. Potter was the living embodiment of him. He resembled him in almost every aspect…

Except for his eyes. I looked into his face and was once again confronted with the truth I so liked to avoid. That he, the Potter boy, had the precise eyes that Lily had. They were perfect in shape and color. They were the same eyes I had fallen in love with so many years ago. It was then I realized, that even though that boy may have his father's arrogance, his father's hair, and his father's face, his eyes were still Lily's. And looking into those eyes was almost like looking into Lily's eyes once more.

"Look…at…me." I formed these words with so much difficulty. My lungs barely taking in breath. It would be all over soon. But I needed to see them one more time.

The boy stared down at me, and I pulled him closer. I did not see his hair, or his nose, or any part other part of him, except those eyes. At that moment, I was no longer looking into Potter's eyes, but into Lily's. I lost his face in the fog that enveloped me, but the eyes remained as crystal clear as before. Then a new face formed around those eyes. The face had a kind smile and a mane of dark red hair.

"Sev," Lily said, her eyes lighting up in what was without a doubt a smile. 

Suddenly, I felt a soaring sensation, starting in my stomach and spreading to my entire body. It was as if I were flying, soaring away from the world of pain and misery and suffering.

I was truly free.


End file.
